Thursday, July 22, 2021

A Single, Small Cut by Michael Curtis for Lamentations of the Flame Princess - Limited Print Edition.

Imagine the creeped-outted-ness that you'd feel thinking about a brain parasite that enters your body through your rectum while you stoop to poop and then merge that feeling with the horror you'd experience if you had your hands zip tied to your ankles and M-80s shoved in your mouth, which was then duct taped shut with only a fuse sticking out...yeah, that's the vibe I got from Michael Curtis', A Single, Small Cut, which I recently read in my doctor's office waiting room.
A Single, Small Cut (ASSC) is an adventure module originally offered as a stretch goal during Lamentation of the Flame Princess' Indiegogo campaign to fund the hardcover of the LotFP Referee Book.The print version of ASSC is limited to 180 copies; the PDF is available now for around $2.00. The print version has a detached card stock cover with color art by Dave Moran and a b&w map designed by Jez Gordon printed inside. There are 8 b&w interior pages of text with art by Eric Lofgren. Sarah Richardson designed the layout.

OK, WARNING! That's it! Total Fucking Spoiler From This Point On! 
...Don't come crying to me if you keep reading.....

When reading adventure modules I'm not thinking about how I'll run it for a group of players, instead I read it as if it's really happening to me. I'm there losing my mind, screaming like a little girl while all kinds of fucked up shit is raining down all around me. I'm prone to anxiety attacks while reading these things because I can really get lost in them that completely. So, when I said what I did in the intro it's because the idea that the thing in this scenario can accidentally be triggered into existence is really that frightening if you dwell on it hard least, it is for me.

OK, Last Warning! I blow the surprise shit real soon so stop reading now unless you are thinking of running this sucker! 

Your group of 6 3rd level characters (or so) find themselves in a remote forested mountain area which is a stronghold of ancient 'evil' magic, a hotbed of Satan's sorcerers, filled to the brim with pagans practicing the dark arts. A military brotherhood is trying to purge the area of witches, but in doing so are amassing a huge collection of Satanic magic items and tools. The relationship between the Church and the brotherhood, known as The Order of Kites, is not all that the Church makes it out to be. There's an intriguing back story going on here but your players probably won't have the time to discover or explore it if this is played as a self-contained side adventure. Things heat up super fast and quickly get all SNAFUed on your pitiful PCs asses.
The party stumbles, no, they're ambushed in the church. Things are totally screwed up at this point for the PCs because they most likely allowed themselves to be disarmed upon entry. A Sorcerer and band of thieves have killed the Priest and congregation and the Sorcerer is posing as the Priest--See, I'm feeling anxious as I'm writing this-- This is the kinda luck I have. So why are they raiding the church? The Sorcerer wants the Red Bell carved out of a single giant garnet. The Red Bell was retrieved during a raid on a pagan temple. Why does the Sorcerer want it...Man, you are about to be so fucking sorry you asked.
 The Red Bell summons the "Corrector of Sins".--See, you're feeling anxiety now too, aren't you?--YOU DON'T WANT TO RING THAT SONUVABITCHING BELL...EVER!!! But, of course some idiot did while moving it. Now men are bursting out of the crypt, running blindly, screaming and crying and covered in these little round flesh wounds, ALL BECAUSE SOMEONE RANG THE GOD DAMNED RED BELL!!!--Agh...I'm all tense and panicky right now because I know what's about to happen--KRAK_KOOOSSHHH!!!! A lumbering mountain of bloody flesh and flailing intestines bursts out of the crypt gate following the cry babies that just ran past. Apparently, the bodies of the congregation were down in the crypt when THAT FUCKING BELL WAS RUNG which summoned the "Corrector of Sins". The Corrector manifests from the flesh of the newly dead in the area where it was summoned. So this monster is a towering slab of mangled corpses, a mass of rended flesh and organs...a conglomeration of bones and gnashing teeth and intestines squirming and flailing like tentacles...eye balls all over, and tongues slavering and twitching at the ends of inside out throats exposed with the rest of the multiple corpses' innards--I'm gagging--and the thing has orifices all over, stinking, farting orifices all forming this 8 ft tall hulk of arms and legs chasing after the STUPID FUCKING THIEVES THAT RANG THAT HELLISH FREAKING RED BELL!!!

Man, for a mini adventure Mr. Curtis has jam packed ASSC with gut wrenching intensity. I wish I hadn't read this because I'd love to be a player of this scenario. There's a ton of background material on the Red Bell included, and you know someone is gonna want to keep the Red Bell (there's 7 Red Bells total, the whereabouts of 2 of them are unknown). 

Everyone involved gets 2 thumbs up. The scenario is well written, paced nicely, and layed out very sensibly. The art is terrific and the maps are clean and well designed. The background story has large potential for repercussions within your campaign. So even though, A Single, Small Cut, is a thin volume it's one Giant, Fat Assed Adventure that's way-worth fitting into a session for your group.

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